Week 26: Footie and the beast

"So what on earth is the next move of a man who appears to be hell bent on systematically dismantling one of our country's greatest sporting institutions?"

Relax. Liz McColgan is safe. Rather The Daily Record's Keith Jackson was referring to chief ruddershifter Vladimir Romanov and his fiddling with Heart of Midlothian FC, which is certainly an institution of sorts these days. Certainly Keith wasn't impressed by Hearts' physical, but unambitious approach in Saturday's 0-0 draw with Rangers at Ibrox, or the dropping of Craig Gordon and Paul Hartley for reasons of 'football business'.

"[Hearts] are now playing like one of those Lithuanian sides which grub around the lower reaches of European football," reckoned Jackson, "and sometimes wash up on these very shores but never manage to make an impression."

Unlike BMW motorbikes of course which I believe are very popular. I digress.

"You know the sort," continued Keith, "...teams rippling with burly six-footers whose only purpose is to be functional and stubborn. Soulless groups of men who operate without flair and who seem devoid of any kind of character or individuality."

At least the 'Rock Steady' stewards now have some competition. Still, the fluroescent jackets had even less to do than usual during what The Herald's Darryl Broadfoot called "a mongrel of a match", and what Stephen Halliday of The Scotsman labelled "a match high on endeavour but low on creative quality". But it was Michael Grant of the Sunday Herald who, as ever, saw the big picture: "On a day when they dropped back a position to fourth in the table, something more significant was lost. The prospect of Romanov creating a credible challenge to Celtic and Rangers seemed as hollow and remote as ever." But what about a 24-hour Gorgie Asda?

St. Mirren have just completed their own supermarket sweep, but they couldn't brush off the challenge of Aberdeen on Saturday; the Dons winning 2-0 at Love Street. The pick of the reporting from Paisley centred on descriptions of the inadequacies of St. Mirren's centre-halves who are so old their fathers were 'hunter gatherers'. "The longevity of Andy Millen and Kevin McGowne - both still playing regularly aged 41 and 37 respectively - is commendable but the ageing process seems to be finally taking its toll on the pair," noted The Herald's Graeme Telfer. "At times it was like watching two pensioners exhaustedly chasing their grandsons around the back garden." Scotland On Sunday's Alan Gallacher thought the home side fielded a "backline slower on the turn than UHT milk", but, perhaps more amusingly, asked: "Aberdeen for the Champions League? It might sound ludicrous, but in a world where Eddie Murphy could conceivably win an Oscar ahead of Martin Scorsese, absolutely anything seems surreally plausible and rational." Aberdeen are the 'Eddie Murphy' of Scottish football. Who would have thought it? Right enough, I'm not sure if that's "Trading Places" vintage Murphy or "Big Momma's House". Probably the latter.

Talking of the 'Beverly Hills Cop', everyone remembers the scene with the bananas and the exhaust pipe, so it is with thanks to Providence that there wasn't any soft fruit around at the Falkirk Stadium after the home side's 2-0 defeat to Kilmarnock, or goodness knows where it would have ended up had 'Bad Lieutenant' John Hughes got his hands on it. James Porteus of The Herald reported that Falkirk manager "Hughes' fearsome post-match beasting of his players was overheard by all...Even opposite number Jim Jefferies, in the middle of his press conference, seemed to shuffle nervously." Crikey. Note the word "beasting". I'll say it again, this time with emphahsis - "BEASTING".

Sadly, the poor paying public who rolled up to Dundee United's 0-0 draw with Dunfermline at Tannadice would probably have welcomed a bit of "beasting", such was the poverty of the spectacle offered for their 'enjoyment'. "This should have come with a government health warning," moaned Frank Gilfeather in the Sunday Herald, watching his 234th poor game of the week, but the fare on show at Inverness on Sunday wasn't much better although at least there were some goals in Celtic's 2-1 win over the home side.

The press poops know that Celtic are the masters of the low-key win, but they normally expect a little bit more from Hibernian, who won 2-0 over Motherwell, but without their usual panache. Barry Johnston of The Times thought it "probably, the least attractive 90 minutes of football likely to be contested at Easter Road this season," while The Sunday Mail's Euan McLean blamed the the "drudgery" on a "painfully defensive Motherwell outfit". McLean also thought "in a dire opening of misplaced passes and few chances, you'd have forgiven the freeloading punter looking down on the action from the balcony of his penthouse behind the East Stand for shutting his curtains."

He forgets John Hughes was busy at Falkirk. Otherwise....

Week 25: Rated 12A: Contains mild comic football

Who says there's no glamour in the SPL? Certainly not the Scotsman's Alan Pattullo who went all Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer after 90 minutes in Scotland's answer to Hollywood, the place where dreams come true, otherwise known as The Caledonian Stadium in Inverness. Savour every syllable of this A-list blockbuster describing Caley's 3-0 win over Hibernian, which brought a small tear to my eye such was its beauty:

"In the manner of Indiana Jones gunning down the sword-wielding assailant who had attempted to dazzle him with sword-artistry, Inverness stood back and admired an opening spell of possession football from Hibs. Then, like swashbuckling archaeologist Jones, they produced a dismissive retort, one which consisted of three decisive blows."

A large rolling boulder then chased the players down the tunnel where, sadly, Scott Brown was betrayed by an amoral ball-boy guide from Bonar Bridge and was crushed.

Also mangled at the weekend were St. Mirren who were victims to a Celtic side who re-discovered their goalscoring ways in a 5-1 win at Celtic Park. Despite the scoreline, the press poodles were divided in their assessment of the home side's performance. The Sunday Herald's Michael Grant felt "a sense of a reawakening at Celtic" and "a stirring from players who had seemed to be dormant", whereas Phil Gordon in the Independent On Sunday thought the "scoreline flattered Celtic, and the lack of edge is noticeable around Parkhead just now". Interestingly, the pooches couldn't restrain themselves from drifting to the visit of AC Milan to Parkhead, despite it being nearly a month away. The poor things, having to suffer 90 minutes of SPL kitchen-sink when 'La Dolce Vita' beckons.

Alas, the mangy curs are not nearly as aroused by the prospect of Hapoel Tel-Aviv's visit to Ibrox next month and who can blame them as Rangers may have got rid of the subtitles, but they are still a straight-to-dvd offering. Adjectives like "organised" and "workmanlike" were bandied about to describe Walter Smith's side's 1-0 win over Dunfermline at East End Park, which roughly translated from the journalese means 'they were pretty poor but won and at least that French guy's gone. God save the Queen.'

If the action at Dunfermline was as prosaic as an Owen Wilson comedy, at least it was better than the footballing equivalent of "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo" at Rugby Park, where Kilmarnock grinded out a 1-0 win over Dundee United. A despondent Ron McKay in the Sunday Herald reckoned the "sour, bitter and swirling wind, aided by bouts of incompetence by the players, produced as dismal and tortured a first half as you could imagine," while the Daily Record's David McCarthy battled the desire to cut his own leg off for for the sake of some entertainment as he "watched possibly the worst first half in the SPL this season...To say it was awful would be an understatement."

However, there was certainly nothing understated in the scene of the day at Tynecastle where Hearts beat Falkirk 1-0. Roman Bednar scored the goal, but the real star of the show was his strike partner, Andrius Velicka, who collapsed so emphatically when confronted by Falkirk's Darren Barr, that even Jim Carrey would have considered it a little OTT. Mike Aitken of The Scotsman reckoned Velicka should be "brought to book for a con worthy of a cameo in the next Ocean's Eleven sequel". Sadly, it's more likely to be "K-11: The Hunt for Ocean Terminal". Vladimir Romanov to direct.

Week 24: Sunshine on a rainy day

Makes my soul, makes my soul drip, drip, drip away...

"It was a grim afternoon all round, with the ground, and the wasteland which surrounds it, one of the most exposed parts of central Scotland and therefore subject to a full assault from the driving rain and strong, swirling wind."

You could probably do a couple of lengths in the pool of tears left by Scotland On Sunday's Richard Moore who is no doubt still recovering from Falkirk's 1-0 win over Dunfermline, which he also, and rather unsurprisingly, described as "a terrible game of football". Alan Gow's late winner gave the home side all three points, but The Herald's James Porteous was so moved by the plight of all 22 of the players who had to suffer in the "farcical" conditions, that he felt "a point each would probably have been fair reward, if only to compensate for the misery of having to run about for an hour and a half in the soaking gloom." Note the key quotes from this paragraph: grim, wasteland, assault, misery, and gloom. Somehow I don't think La Liga match reports read like this.

It will have been of little consolation to those at Falkirk that Aberdeen's 1-1 draw with Inverness CT at Pittodrie, was probably even more depressing. "Some games instantly restore your faith in football while others leave you wondering what's become of the beautiful game," moaned the Daily Record's Euan MacArthur before throwing himself into the North Sea in an attempt to collide with an oil platform. Certainly there was little doubt which 'McArthur' category this game fitted into. Two late goals provided the action which The Sunday Times' Rodger Baillie reckoned "lit up this game like a beacon, and how badly it needed such illumination to save the numbed spectators losing the will to live." Much like a nation of readers then.

But there was the odd flare of decent football which lit up the grey skies of the weekend's football, such as at Ibrox where the pitch may have resembled a "ploughing field", "marsh" or "porridge", but Rangers delivered an improved performance to overwhelm Dundee United 5-0. "Throughout the Rangers ranks there was industry and urgency, there was a desire to play at a tempo several notches higher than before and a ruthlessness in front of goal that brought them by far and away their most thumping victory of the season," swooned Tom English in Scotland on Sunday, as Walter Smith began his second spell in charge of Rangers with more fireworks than Rangers fans have seen in a while, albeit cheap ones, from a shop that mainly sells crisps, without much genuine luminosity. Better still, after watching his side deliver a feast of goals, Smith washed it down with glass of wine while confirming his obvious greatness to the press pups after the game, much to the their delight, and that of their already enlarged livers.

It was less Bordeaux and more Cava at Rugby Park on Monday, where Hibernian showed "sparkling verve" to beat Kilmarnock 2-0 according to The Herald's Mark Wilson, who also watched Celtic's 2-1 win over Hearts on Saturday where Gordon Strachan's side were able, rather chillingly, "to savour the sweet sensation of vengeance" over their hosts.

Sadly for all concerned, the people of Paisley were deprived of savouring a football fiesta as St. Mirren's home squabble with Motherwell fell victim to the weather. Compared to the rest of the country, Providence smiled on East Renfrewshire for once, even if the sun didn't.

Week 23: The Dark Prince

"It is better to be feared than loved," said Barry Ferguson Niccolo Machiavelli, although even that chronicler of 15th century Florentine intrigue would have been appalled at the carnage that was Rangers' 1-0 win over Motherwell at Fir Park. Graham Speirs in The Herald thought it was "an explosive and eventful match could have gone either way", while The Independent's Nick Harris reckoned Rangers "snatched an undeserved win in a helter-skelter game of controversy, punch-ups and red cards". Stuart Darroch in The Times labelled the 90 minutes "an old fashioned Scottish stramash", where "21 players proceeded to push, pull and lash out at each other in what resembled a end-of-night pub fight". The Sun's Iain King, who no doubt will enage in the ancient Hindu practice of Sati and throw himself on Barry's funeral pyre, reckoned it was "an afternoon of ill-tempered drama" where Rangers manager Paul Le Guen "stood accused of ripping the heart out of Rangers", for his decision to drop poor, little, I would eat my own foot for the badge, Barry Ferguson. However, The Scotsman's Glenn Gibbons decided that "if there had been excitement, it had been of the intriguing, rather than the thrilling, variety." Machiavelli would have appreciated that at least.

Elsewhere, there was a glimmer of interest for the hacks at Easter Road where the Scotsman's Stuart Bathgate watched "by no means the most uneventful of goalless draws" as Aberdeen and Hibernian shared the points. Bathgate thought Hibs "made enough chances to win the game several times over"; a view shared by The Herald's James Porteus who could not beleive the how the home side had "failed to beat a flu and injury-hit Aberdeen side despite dominating completely".

Sadly, the other matches aroused little interest from the wordfumblers. Celtic continued their war against competition in the SPL by beating Kilmarnock 2-0 at Celtic Park, in what was clearly a low-key affair, as was Hearts' 1-0 away win over a Dunfermline side who continue to languish in the dark corners of the league, and now racked up seven-and-a-half hours of SPL football without a goal. Thankfully there was no such scarcity at Tannadice where Falkirk feasted on the previously on-form Dundee United in a 5-1 win, while Inverness CT outmuscled St. Mirren in a 2-1 victory.

Week 22: Legion Donner

Much has been made of the rogue submarine that is Hearts FC, but it is Das Rangers who continue to sink further, seemingly without a rudder, into the murky depths of the 'Sea of Inadequacy' after Paul Le Guen's 'side' were held to a 1-1 draw with St. Mirren at Ibrox. Naturally, the press pooches were showing off their yellowing, slightly rotten teeth and were all too willing to put the boot in. "Being out-played for long stretches by an injury-hit St Mirren side playing with only one player up front is not something a team with title-hopes should suffer, so it's just as well Rangers have long-since shelved this aspiration," mocked Alan Pattullo in The Scotsman. The Herald's Darryl Broadfoot reckoned Rangers' performance "against a sprightly St Mirren re-emphasised a chronic lack of heart, courage and character within [the] squad", while Gavin Berry of the Sunday Mail watched "yet another dismal domestic display" and an "inept performance" from the home side. However, it was The Sunday Times' Simon Buckland who summed up matters with a flourish: "No turning of the corner for Rangers, just a few more steps down what is increasingly looking like the wrong road. When Her Majesty has finished touching the sword on Sir David Murray’s shoulders, the Rangers chairman might need to ask whether he can borrow it for Paul Le Guen to fall on. The New Year honours at Ibrox went to St Mirren."

With Rangers adrift and without much air in their tanks, you would think that Celtic would be cruising on the gentle current of success, but Gordon Strachan's side continue to be as convincing as Sean Connery's accent in 'The Hunt for Red October' after another poor showing in their 1-1 draw with Motherwell at Fir Park. Rodger Baillie in the Sunday Times thought Celtic "were dreadful for long spells", and "they can’t hide the problems at the back and front of their side right now". Glenn Gibbons in the Scotsman agreed, noting "the Parkhead side's current tendency towards pedestrianism, carelessness and general lifelessness suggests only forthcoming danger and possible ignominy." Scary stuff.

Talking of ignominy, Hibernian manager John Collins borrowed the Queen's sword to give goalkeeper Zbigniew Malkowski the chop for his side's 2-0 win over Dunfermline at Easter Road. Disappointingly, Darren Johnstone in the Sunday Herald seemed to be using his Boxing Day template when he noted "if this had been a boxing contest, the match would have been over long before referee Iain Brines blew the final whistle. But Dunfermline were not the only ones to be left on the ropes." Darren was also moved enough to note "the difference between a side challenging for the chance to play Champions League football and one fighting for SPL survival was so vast you almost felt pity for the visitors as their endeavour proved fruitless." Sadly, there was a similar lack of fruit about Hearts and Kilmarnock's goalless draw at Tynecastle. Ron McKay in the Sunday Herald thought "with better final balls and more accurate striking it could have swung either way but, in truth, neither team deserved to win", while the Scotsman's Mike Aitken reckoned "there was enough endeavour and enthusiasm evident in this performance from Hearts to add weight to the conviction that better times are around the corner for the Tynecastle club in 2007." Can't wait.

Elsewhere Dundee United continued their recent remarkable, almost Faustian, progress with a 3-1 win over Aberdeen at Tannadice and Falkirk got the better of Inverness CT in a 3-1 home win. Both of these matches inspired absolutely no worthwhile comment. If only, it could always be so.