Week 34: We have a number one (and twos)

In a weekend that saw 100 million litres of sewage pumped into Scottish waters, we should remember that a similarly toxic effluent has been swilling inside SPL stadiums for most of the season, passing itself off as a game called 'football'. But I suppose at least the league has a champion at last; a team whose treatment station seems to have functioned better than most - but not much.

Chief pumping sensei Shunsuke Nakamura's injury-time free kick gave Celtic a 2-1 win over Kilmarnock at Rugby Park, and the long-overdue SPL title which has been slowly decomposing on the table for weeks. But not for the first time this season it was a victory dipped in doubt over Celtic's genuine pedigree. Glenn Gibbons in the Scotsman thought it was "only the thrilling climax and the celebrations which followed that distinguished this match from most of the others his team have contested in recent times". The title party also prompted Gibbons into a little philosophical enquiry: "It is one of the most notable paradoxes of occasions such as these that a universally recognised inevitability - in this case Celtic's retention of the title - can be accompanied by so much uncertainty." Wisley steering clear of any 'musings', The Herald's Lead Soccer Swami Darryl Broadfoot preferred to linger on the positives noting "the resilience that has characterised the champions' season was in plentiful supply" and "with the smell of freshly-polished silver lingering in the air, Nakamura, inevitably, providing the season's sheen." In fairness, there was a whiff of something else but I won't dwell on it.

Apart from a finely crafted opening goal, Hearts put in another suitably noxious performance at Ibrox where Rangers ran out 2-1 winners. Mark Guidi in the Sunday Mail thought "the Tynecastle men were far too negative and boring to watch," while Sunday Herald's Michael Grant noted the traveling support witnessed a "superb opening goal, only for their team to retreat into themselves and barely create another threat". Sadly, apart from Barry Ferguson's acrobatic winner, the home side complimented Hearts lack of flair beautifully. Patrick Glenn in the Observer saw a surplus of "pedestrianism about much of the home side's play" and "a conspicuous lack of inventiveness in the Rangers midfield". A golden age indeed.

Events at Pittodrie, where Aberdeen and Hibernian drew 2-2, were similarly bereft of artistry, but at least Hibs had the consolation of solid reviews for their youthful line-up. At East End Park, Dunfermline gave themselves a chance of staying in the division with a 1-0 win over Dundee United and a display that Natasha Woods in the Sunday Herald thought was an "inspired and impassioned performance". It even led Scotland On Sunday's Richard Moore to ask "would you rather be a Dunfermline fan or a St Mirren supporter right now?" I believe they ask a similar question to captive individuals in Tennessee which involves choosing between a needle and a chair.

In Inverness, Alasdair Fraser of Scotland On Sunday watched "a disappointing game of football" as the home side beat Motherwell 2-0. Fraser thought the visitors were "lifeless and lacklustre", while Motherwell manager Maurice Malpas felt embarrassed enough by the display to state that "if the youth team played like that they would be dumped". Hopefully not in the Firth of Forth. Bit stinky.