Week 29: Ice Cold Italics

Celtic's 9000 point-lead in the league may be good news for the hoopsters, but the lack of competition in the SPL has absorbed the press pack's creative juices like a sheet of Bounty kitchen roll - just one sheet mind. Were it not for the oasis on the horizon that is Celtic's trip to Milan, I'm sure most of the word-poopers would gladly lie let their paws fall from the keyboard, lie down, roll over to expose their saggy tummies and bark 'adios'. Sadly, no one can be bothered anymore, and the writing is as featureless as the Sahara. What's more, some of the journos seem to be suffering from severe episodes of tedium-induced delirium. Consider the case of Scotland on Sunday's Moira Gordon, who watched Aberdeen's 2-1 away win over Falkirk, and then treated readers to the following automotive odyssey:

"For once this week, Jimmy Calderwood was relieved to pick up three points on his travels. Penalised for speeding, he received a six month ban earlier this week but that won't stop the Aberdeen boss trying to steer his players towards European qualification. While never really motoring in this one, the result keeps them in the driving seat for third place in the league and means that there is still hope they can overtake Rangers."

Moira's trite-o-meter obviously needs new batteries, but at least it was something to talk about - more than can be said for Hearts' 2-0 grind over Motherwell, or Rangers win over Hibernian by the same scoreline. Similarly, the most exciting thing written about Kilmarnock's win over St. Mirren at Love Street was that it was a "largely uneventful encounter" according to John Docherty in Scotland On Sunday. The Sunday Herald's Frank Gilfeather gave a similar downbeat precis of Inverness CT's win over Dundee United, tagging it a "less than impressive game". Interestingly, following Inverness' harsh Cup exit at the hands of Celtic last week, Alasdair Fraser of Scotland On Sunday thought the 1-0 victory "went some way towards redressing the imbalance in the universe", vindicating Buddhists everywhere, and allowing them to let out a collective sigh of relief, no doubt slowly ...and ... with... mind..ful... ness...of...brea...thing.

SPL life is indeed suffering, and if Celtic follow the weekend's 2-1 home win over Dunfermline with a quick exit from the Champions League in Milan, then the press pack might as well gather up their egos, their favourite squeaky toys and enough papoose to get them through the summer. Their primitive metaphor machines could certainly do with a MOT.