Week 25: Rated 12A: Contains mild comic football

Who says there's no glamour in the SPL? Certainly not the Scotsman's Alan Pattullo who went all Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer after 90 minutes in Scotland's answer to Hollywood, the place where dreams come true, otherwise known as The Caledonian Stadium in Inverness. Savour every syllable of this A-list blockbuster describing Caley's 3-0 win over Hibernian, which brought a small tear to my eye such was its beauty:

"In the manner of Indiana Jones gunning down the sword-wielding assailant who had attempted to dazzle him with sword-artistry, Inverness stood back and admired an opening spell of possession football from Hibs. Then, like swashbuckling archaeologist Jones, they produced a dismissive retort, one which consisted of three decisive blows."

A large rolling boulder then chased the players down the tunnel where, sadly, Scott Brown was betrayed by an amoral ball-boy guide from Bonar Bridge and was crushed.

Also mangled at the weekend were St. Mirren who were victims to a Celtic side who re-discovered their goalscoring ways in a 5-1 win at Celtic Park. Despite the scoreline, the press poodles were divided in their assessment of the home side's performance. The Sunday Herald's Michael Grant felt "a sense of a reawakening at Celtic" and "a stirring from players who had seemed to be dormant", whereas Phil Gordon in the Independent On Sunday thought the "scoreline flattered Celtic, and the lack of edge is noticeable around Parkhead just now". Interestingly, the pooches couldn't restrain themselves from drifting to the visit of AC Milan to Parkhead, despite it being nearly a month away. The poor things, having to suffer 90 minutes of SPL kitchen-sink when 'La Dolce Vita' beckons.

Alas, the mangy curs are not nearly as aroused by the prospect of Hapoel Tel-Aviv's visit to Ibrox next month and who can blame them as Rangers may have got rid of the subtitles, but they are still a straight-to-dvd offering. Adjectives like "organised" and "workmanlike" were bandied about to describe Walter Smith's side's 1-0 win over Dunfermline at East End Park, which roughly translated from the journalese means 'they were pretty poor but won and at least that French guy's gone. God save the Queen.'

If the action at Dunfermline was as prosaic as an Owen Wilson comedy, at least it was better than the footballing equivalent of "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo" at Rugby Park, where Kilmarnock grinded out a 1-0 win over Dundee United. A despondent Ron McKay in the Sunday Herald reckoned the "sour, bitter and swirling wind, aided by bouts of incompetence by the players, produced as dismal and tortured a first half as you could imagine," while the Daily Record's David McCarthy battled the desire to cut his own leg off for for the sake of some entertainment as he "watched possibly the worst first half in the SPL this season...To say it was awful would be an understatement."

However, there was certainly nothing understated in the scene of the day at Tynecastle where Hearts beat Falkirk 1-0. Roman Bednar scored the goal, but the real star of the show was his strike partner, Andrius Velicka, who collapsed so emphatically when confronted by Falkirk's Darren Barr, that even Jim Carrey would have considered it a little OTT. Mike Aitken of The Scotsman reckoned Velicka should be "brought to book for a con worthy of a cameo in the next Ocean's Eleven sequel". Sadly, it's more likely to be "K-11: The Hunt for Ocean Terminal". Vladimir Romanov to direct.