Week 16: "Like a man trying to trap a ball while pulling up his trousers"

Landmarks are always worth noting - Edinburgh Castle, The Forth Rail Bridge, those pyramidy things which replaced a Motorola factory near Livingston - but it was goals that caught the historian's eye on Saturday as Motherwell's Scott McDonald notched the 5000th in the SPL during his side's 4-2 win over Falkirk at Fir Park. "This game had everything you could want. Disputed penalties and six goals only hints at the story," waxed Dave Hammond in the Sunday Herald, while Scott Mcdermott of the Sunday Mail thought it was an "incredible game". However, despite six goals, and the presence of the heavy hand of history, it was the referee who Ryan Taylor in The Herald was talking about come the end: match official Craig Thomson "awarded two dubious penalties, displayed the yellow card on 10 occasions and sent a player off in a match that was hardly spiralling out of control," according to a disappointed Taylor. Nevertheless "during the course of a fluctuating encounter, the outcome remained unfathomable until a storming closing quarter," according to Archie McGregor in The Sunday Times, something even the referee couldn't spoil.

There was another late burst of action at Easter Road on Sunday, where it wasn't so much a game of two halves as a game of two-thirds and a third. Celtic came back from two goals down to grab a 2-2 draw with Hibernian, thanks in part to the introduction of Aidean McGeady and Evander Sno late in the game, but the assembled press pooches were in no doubt who set the pace for the first period. Glenn Gibbons in The Scotsman noted a performance from the home side "of such comprehensive authority for the first hour that it was possible to wonder if Celtic had been overcome by a collective somnambulism". The Daily Record's David McCarthy agreed, noting that Hibs "outplayed Scotland's champions for 70 minutes of a torrid encounter at Easter Road, going two goals up and performing with a panache and passion that had the purists purring". Yet, despite their dominance, Hibs couldn't close out the game, a fact Mark Wilson of The Herald credited to the Celtic manager's mastery of the dark art of substitutions: "Gordon Strachan continues to work alchemy via the fourth official's board. His substitutions warped the chemistry of this utterly compelling game." McCarthy also reckoned that while "there was so much to admire in Hibs' performance...it was Celtic's fortitude and sheer bloody-mindedness that will be long remembered". Or for a couple of days.

Form may only be a shanty town in the shadow of Class City's skyscrapers, but Aberdeen continue to hold their own in the 'best of the rest' race at the top of the SPL. Yet, Saturday's 3-0 away win over Dunfermline, despite fuelling the Dons' Champions League dreams, did little to satisfy the watching press hounds. "The Dons didn't have to be truly convincing to triumph," noted Ron McKay in the Sunday Herald, while Richard Wilson in The Sunday Times saw "a tangle of incoherent football, any quality lost amid the straining effort". Worse still, The Herald's Neil Mulligan was forced to endure "a somewhat turgid, staccato afternoon's viewing", where the "protagonists showed plenty endeavour, but quality was kept for the far rarer moments". The nature of the goals did little to appease the situation, with Hugh Keevins in the Daily Record describing them as "the worst case of self-inflicted wounds likely to be seen anywhere this season". Simon Pia in Scotland On Sunday thought Dunfermline "imploded spectacularly" in conceding the first goal in particular, where defender Greg Shields "got into a dreadful fankle, looking like a man trying to trap a ball while pulling up his trousers". Wilson thought "the scoreline was emphatic, but the performance seldom was. It was individual mistakes that separated these two teams, because all three goals came when Dunfermline players lost their concentration and composure." Or their trousers, in one case.

Unfortunately for the poor press mongrels, forced to don their little tartan jackets and leave the sanctuary of the central belt for the wild frontier that is anywhere north of Stirling, there was even less to wag their little, stumpy tails about following Hearts 0-0 draw at Inverness. "Shocking", "dreary" and "miserable" were a few of the stock adjectives used to describe the spectacle, or lack of it, at the Caledonian Stadium. "In the end there was relief when the referee sounded the final whistle. It was poor stuff all round," lamented John Docherty in Scotland On Sunday, in between spins of the barrell of his revolver.

To a bitch, every member of the baying press club thought Rangers' 3-0 home win over Kilmarnock was "comfortable". At least, they could muster an adjective which was more than the curs watching Dundee United's 1-0 win over St. Mirren managed, it being perhaps the most bland game of football ever played. It's a shame no one remembers the 5000th moment of tedium in the SPL. Then again, it happened so long ago.

Week 15: Bullseye!

Cue the music.

"THERE are times when football is just brilliant and it's these occasions which remind us why we sit in the cold for two hours on a Saturday."

This could be a Coca-Cola advert. But go on:

"It's why you travel the length of the country to watch your team, who then lose. It's why you go again the next week even after a shocking game with no goals, no shots, nothing."

Crikey, no shots! Nevermind. Tell us more, Neil Cameron of the Daily Record. I'm digging the sincerity and waiting for the payoff. Where did you have this epiphany?

"Saturday at Rugby Park was one of those brilliant occasions."

Oh well , you've ruined it now...Still, at least darts legend Bobby George wasn't there...

"At half-time, we caught sight of darts legend Bobby George, who had switched on the Christmas lights in Kilwinning. I'm not making any of this up - the day just kept getting better."

I'm not making any of this stuff up either. Kilmarnock's 2-1 win over Falkirk and a glimpse of the 'King of Darts'. Neil, you might as well crucify yourself on one of Kilwinning's illuminated Santas, as it's all downhill from there to...

...Tynecastle on Sunday, where Rangers beat Hearts 1-0, but both sides decided to forego the 'foot' and 'ball' part of the game, and chose just to launch the ball as far as they could at every opportunty, in between fouls and general grumpiness.

"If this was a battle to decide the best of the rest, Scottish football may be in bigger trouble than we realised," lamented Keith Jackson in the Daily Record. "So poor was the fare at Tynecastle the thought occurred it might be time to ask UEFA to cut our quota of Champions League places to just the one." If only it could be true. The Herald's Graeme Speirs watched a "gruelling battle" in an atmosphere which was "rancid". I'm surprised he didn't go for "poohy". Stinky stuff nonetheless, much like Hearts' play which Speirs thought demonstrated "zeal without containing any true finesse". Rangers were half-a-teaspoonful better, and it was their "determination not to lose that allowed them to overcome a rival that seems hell-bent on self destruction," according to Jackson.

Inverness CT were also determined not to lose at on Saturday, but taking points off Celtic in the SPL at the moment is like taking candy from the Fort Knox branch of Thorntons. The Daily Record's Hugh Keevins thought Celtic's 3-0 win "flattered them" and was not "an accurate reflection" of the game; a point also made by Patrick Glenn in the Observer who noted that Gordon Strachan's side "encountered serious and lasting difficulty in asserting themselves". But Celtic's apparent reluctance to commit themselves fully to the game was due to Tuesday's impending visit of Manchester United according to Michael Grant in the Sunday Herald: "The sense of Celtic saving themselves for United was palpable among the players especially during the first half and around Parkhead in general all afternoon," said Grant, already sweaty at the prospect of Champions League drama and the chance to use his best metaphors.

Aberdeen haven't had the distraction of European football for a while now, or any particularly good metaphors, but Jimmy Calderwood's side may have a UEFA Cup 3rd round qualifier in Poland to look forward to if they continue to record results like their 2-0 win over St. Mirren at Pittodrie. According to Alan Gallacher in Scotland On Sunday Aberdeen "controlled huge portions of the play" and "continue quietly to impress with their attacking style". The Sunday Herald's Frank Gilfeather noted "buoyancy from the men in red, their quick-fire passing presenting the visitors with more problems than they could handle". However, Gavin Berry in the Sunday Mail was more concise in his assessment: "a dreadful game".

That certainly was Mike J Wilson's assessment of Dunfermline's 2-1 home win over Dundee United in Scotland on Sunday; a game charcaterised by "missed passes" and "poor control". Rob Robertson in the The Herald thought Dunfermline "sneaked a victory they scarcely deserved" and "the Tannadice outfit only failed to win because of their inability to create decent chances." On the other hand, the Daily Record's Anthony Haggerty thought new Pars manager Stephen Kenny was the reason for the win as the former Derry City boss "fired his boys up with a rousing half-time team talk and came up with the masterstroke of changing their formation from 4-4-2 to 4-4-3".

Elsewhere, Hibernian's 6-1 win over Motherwell at Fir Park certainly wasn't dreadful, and moreover it sent the press pups into a frenzy of excitment, not seen since the advent of Bonio™. The Daily Record's Gary Ralston watched a "stunning Hibs performance that will not be bettered by any side in the SPL this season", while Andrew Smith in Scotland On Sunday saw an "all-singing, all-dancing victory to which [John Collins'] side positively sashayed". The Sunday Mail's David Rinaldi thought Collins' "green machine clicked into top gear in a stunning display", and James Morgan in The Herald reckoned "the victory was founded on a first 45 minutes which Collins himself described as 'the most impressive half of football he has ever seen'. It was hard to find a flaw in his assertion."

But was Bobby George there? I think not.

Week 14: Good Journalism = Fact / (Interpretation - Triteness)

Aberdeen have wrestled with the tag of under-achievement in recent years but yesterday's 2-1 win over Motherwell at Pittodrie moved the Dons into joint-second place in the SPL...or third really, but let's not let the logic of mathematics, nurtured by centuries of wisdom in the ancient world, get in the way of a potential Champions League place for Jimmy Calderwood's side. "The Dons buzzed with enthusiasm from the start," said an enthusiastic Frank Gilfeather in the Sunday Herald, who also noted that the home side "dominated a tough, uncompromising game". Alan Gallacher in Scotland On Sunday thought Aberdeen "played well and, when it mattered most, dug deep to bag the points", and reckoned "the prospect of the Pittodrie faithful digging out their passports for a foreign campaign are as good as they have been for a while." Y viva Azerbaijan.

Rangers are already revelling in Uefa Cup 'glamour' but their dismal domestic season took a turn for the better following a 2-0 win over Dunfermline at Ibrox. The win, courtesy of goals from Kris Boyd and Steven Smith, moved Paul Le Guen's side into joint-second with Aberdeen...or second as Pythagoras might insist upon. Nevertheless, it came as no surprise that the band of assembled press dingoes were howling with cries of feint praise. Patrick Glenn in the Observer thought the win "could hardly be described as evidence of an impending renaissance", which should mean Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo won't have to do any turning this week at least. "The Ibrox side achieved the minimum that any one would expect against Dunfermline," continued Glenn in a somewhat drisiory manner towards the visitors, although Mark Guidi in the Sunday Mail thought Dunfermline were "woeful". Guidi thought there was "a lack of confidence, spark and cohesion" about Rangers, Andrew Smith in Scotland On Sunday described them as "laboured", and Douglas Alexander in The Sunday Times mused: "If this proves to be the first step in Rangers’ recovery, then it was an extremely shaky one." However 'The Beachy Head Prize' for most bleak piece of journalism this weekend goes to the normally vibrant Michael Grant of the Sunday Herald: "It was a dank, grey afternoon with a game to match", where "Le Guen stepped a few yards back from the cliff edge". Dark, dark days.

If the 48,218 at Ibrox thought the spectacle there was on the poor side, then they should be relieved they were not at Tannadice where Dundee United recorded back-to-back victories for the first time this season with a 1-0 win over Kilmarnock. Ron McKay in the Sunday Herald noted humorously that "for large parts of the game the ball went astray and only threatened resting wildlife", while Archie MacGregor The Sunday Times thought the contest "scored little in terms of aesthetic appeal". Euan McLean of the Sunday Mail joined in the chorus of angst, seeing the game as a "dire clash"; a fact John Docherty in Scotland On Sunday could not disagree with, as "United didn't exactly sparkle" in a game which was "not the greatest of spectacles".

It is normally a 'spectacle' of sorts when goalthrower Zbigniew Malkowski plays, but the usually error-prone Pole got his angles right this week in Hibernian's 2-0 win over Inverness CT at Easter Road. Moira Gordon in Scotland On Sunday noted "the surprise is that, for once, Zbigniew Malkowski was the saint rather than sinner." Redemption is a beautiful thing...until next week's mistake of course.

Week 13: Remember, remember, the 4th of November

Pack away your hopes and dreams for another season. Ready the kennels. It may be only November but the SPL title race is over, gone, mort. That's what was decided anyway, by a frenzy of paws punching at laptops, after Celtic's late comeback gave them a 2-1 win over Hearts at Celtic Park. Hearts goalkeeper Craig Gordon's late own-goal allowed Celtic "to effectively win the title" according to Scotland On Sunday's Andrew Smith, whereas Michael Grant of the Sunday Herald saw "a metaphorical application of green and white ribbons to the 2007 SPL championship trophy". Grant continued: "Celtic’s 13-point advantage this morning does have an unmistakable look of being insurmountable. The discouraging fact for the rest is that Celtic currently look incapable of haemorrhaging points at the rate which will be necessary for Hearts or Rangers to catch them up." Of the game itself, Mark Guidi in the Sunday Mail, who loves nothing more than a dose of unbridled criticism, thought "Celtic turned in their worst performance of the season", to give Gordon Strachan's side "an undeserved victory", "where not a single player stood out from the mediocrity." The Sunday Times' Douglas Alexander had praise for a Hearts "performance of surprising strategy, cohesion and spirit", and sounded just the smallest yelp of caution about handing the title to Celtic, albeit wrapped in the inevitable Guy Fawkes reference: "Can the title race be tossed on the bonfire tonight? Not quite, but it would take a collapse from Celtic as spectacular as the one Hearts managed yesterday for them to be overtaken now."

At East End Park, Falkirk romped to a 3-0 win over Dunfermline but thankfully there weren't any bonfire or fireworks references from....oh, wait a minute.... "Dunfermline went off like a damp squib" according to Mike J. Wilson in Scotland On Sunday, but Falkirk were "yesterday's sparklers". Just as an aside, when was the last time you used the word 'squib' in regular conversation, certainly without the accompanying reference to dampness? Anyway, treading a similar well-worn path, Scott Mcdermott in the Sunday Mail thought Anthony Stokes, who scored a hat-trick, was "on fire" and "too hot to handle".

Needless to say, at Easter Road where Hibernian drew 2-2 with Kilmarnock, Scotland On Sunday's John Docherty watched "a match which only caught alight in the second half". Thankfully there were no references to pyrotechnics in reports of Motherwell's 0-0 home draw with St. Mirren, probably because the match was "a fairly dour encounter" according to Ron McKay in the Sunday Herald and "a triumph of organisation and endeavour". That's journalistic code for 'rubbish' - a sentiment that Martin Hannan in Scotland On Sunday agreed with, as "the match lacked that genuine excitement that only goals create". All toil then...and little flare.