Week 12: Tally-Ho!

Just when I thought that the press puppies were writing rather weary copy and in need of a mid-season sunshine break, or at least a decent walk, along comes a weekend where crisis abounds in the SPL - and there's nothing like the prospect of a little villification to get the pack snapping again. One fox they certainly have by the tail is Dundee United manager Craig Brewster, whose side were humbled 5-1 at Falkirk, and the collective opinion is that his time as manager of United is over.

"Craig Brewster’s fate as Dundee United manager was sealed with this most humiliating of defeats," raged Neil White in the Sunday Times, where Falkirk "dominated the game with sweeping passing moves, picking at the United lines like vultures on a carcass". YES!!! YES!!! That's what we've been missing in recent weeks - crass, inappropriate cliches with a zoological bent; the backbone of football writing. Wait a minute...here's another from Gordon Wadell in the Sunday Mail, sadly without any animal references: "Craig Brewster wrote his own death warrant with his after-match speech last weekend. And he signed it the minute he handed in his teamsheet yesterday." BRILLIANT!!! I didn't even realise we had "death warrants" any more, nevermind managers opting for a bit of "hari-kari" just before kick-off. No wonder the Sunday Herald's Natasha Woods thought the second half "was just carnage". Sadly, Martin Hannan in Scotland On Sunday opted not to sink his incisors into the bloody mess, but he did start his report with this pearl: "The first thing that must be said is that Falkirk hugely deserved this win," reckoned Hannan, just in case the reader thought United had been cruelly dazzled by five breakaway goals. However he did recover his senses to note that United "were utterly dreadful....rubbish, pure and simple".

The hounds had another obvious target to chase at Tynecastle where Hearts drew 1-1 with Dunfermline, days after owner Vladimir Romanov had threated to sell the whole side to a "team like Kilmarnock" if they failed to pick up all three points against the managerless Pars. However, just because Romanov fails to challenge the accepted conventions of logic on occasion, doesn't mean the press have to follow. The Independent's Phil Gordon has been a bit quiet of late, after a couple of examples of near-genius at the start of the season, but Vlad's outburst obviously got his creative juices flowing again with this sublime opener to his report of the game:

"Being born with a silver spoon in their mouths, did not spare the royal Romanovs from the Russian Revolution. Vladimir Romanov is more a victim of foot in mouth, after watching the threat to his Hearts players backfire yesterday."

Don't even try and understand it. It's on another level. Just stand back, marvel and applaud.

The game itself was a bit of a soggy octopus. Richard Wilson of The Sunday Times watched a Hearts team who "attempted to exert themselves on the game, but their play carried little penetration", while Moira Gordon in Scotland On Sunday thougt the home side were "missing a cutting edge" although Dunfermline's "performance was a vast improvement on the embarrassing capitulation to Hibs on Monday".

The dogs certainly have the scent of Paul Le Guen, and the angry pack got a little bit closer to the under-pressure Rangers manager after his side's 1-1 draw with Motherwell at Ibrox. Stewart Fisher in the Sunday Herald thought the draw "may have finished the SPL title race once and for all", while Scotland On Sunday's Andrew Smith reckoned "the Old Firm are operating in two different leagues this season" after 90 minutes where Rangers "when required to bare teeth against Motherwell yesterday...came over all gummy." Patrick Glenn in The Observer thought "there was a distinct lack of zest and bite, to say nothing of imagination and flair" about Rangers' play, which overall he considered only "mediocre". "Victory for Celtic at Kilmarnock this afternoon will take the champions 12 points clear of their city rivals," thought Simon Buckland in The Sunday Times. "To have conceded such a lead before Hallowe’en is scary indeed," he continued, although perhaps not as scary as an excitable sportswriter as we have seen.

Elsewhere, St Mirren drew 1-1 with Inverness CT in a game which lacked the hysteria hanging over other venues in the SPL on Saturday. There were no winged scavengers, stomach cuttings, or wealthy families lined up against a wall in Paisley; not at Love Street anyway. "This wasn’t an epic, but there was plenty of honest endeavour," said The Sunday Times' Rodger Baillie. I'm not sure the same could be said for some of the efforts of the press this weekend.

Week 11: Drink and be un-merry

After Celtic's midweek Champions League carnival there was always going to be a hangover of sorts, but thankfully for Gordon Strachan's side, who beat Motherwell 2-1 at Celtic Park, it was the press who seemed to be reaching for the metaphorical Alka Seltzer. "After the Lord Mayor’s Show came the equivalent of a pub gig at the same venue," lamented an obviously disappointed Simon Buckland of The Sunday Times, but his sentiments summed up the feelings of the entire press kennel. Michael Grant of the Sunday Herald noted that "after the pyrotechnics of midweek [Celtic] were reduced to a slow burn to overcome Motherwell," but at least "the combination of Celtic’s diminished energy levels and Motherwell’s organised, purposeful display resulted in a reasonable contest". Tom English of Scotland On Sunday thought "Celtic played poorly" and were, unsurprisingly, "a shadow of the team that electrified" against Benfica. The Observer's Patrick Glenn also saw Celtic contrive "probably their most banal performance of the season just four days after their most exhilarating". Back to the Buckfast then, after the Bollinger.

At least they don't have to watch Dundee United every week, unlike manager Craig Brewster, who took a step closer to Saturdays at B&Q yesterday following Aberdeen's 3-1 win at Pittodrie. Scott Mcderrmott of the Sunday Mail noted that "incredibly, Dons boss Jimmy Calderwood lined up with a 2-1-4-1-2 system", but even that piece of tactical genius couldn't help United who, according to the Sunday Herald's Natasha Woods, were "insipid and uninspired", in contrast to the hosts who "had plenty of passion and fire about their play". Mike J Wilson of Scotland On Sunday watched "a display of attractive, inventive and penetrative football as good as anything seen at Pittodrie this season leaving United deep in trouble and even deeper in despair." Wilson also offered the most creepy image of the season so far, believing Brewster "might be waiting to drink from the poisoned chalice offered by his chairman Eddie Thompson". Don't do it Craig and don't kiss the ring either. Remember what happened to Anakin.

Hearts' manager, coach, trainer, kit man, masseuse, petty officer, angry chap Valdas Ivanauskas might not be asked to sip from Vladimir Romanov's decanter of rum any time soon, but the 'plank' has certainly been brought up from below deck following Hearts 2-0 home defeat to Kilmarnock. The Sunday Herald's Alan Campbell thought Kilmarnock were "ultimately were well worth their win" and "Hearts' use of the ball was unimaginative". Scotland on Sunday's Moira Gordon agreed that Hearts were "devoid of ideas", "lacking is the confidence and consistency they displayed this time last year," and "they have also lost their air of invincibility on home turf."

Individual errors contributed to Hearts' defeat, but nowhere was the finger of blame prodded more emphatically than at Inverness, where Falkirk contrived to lose 3-2 in a game which they had dominated. Dave Hammond of the Sunday Herald watched "an amazing second half comeback from Inverness Caledonian Thistle", but Falkirk goalkeeper Scott Higgins "could be criticised for his inability to dominate his goal area and there were further question marks over his goalkeeping for the next two goals". Gordon Waddell in the Sunday Mail saw "the Bairns laid waste to the home side with a stunning display of passing and a double from Anthony Stokes. But 16 minutes of shambles from six foot seven No.1 Higgins gifted Inverness three goals and victory at the death." Such was Higgins' meltdown that Scotland On Sunday's Andrew Smith thought "bits of Higgins were probably to be found in the goal area he so singularly failed to guard late on". There will probably be a call for the Alka Seltzer in the Higgins household on Sunday. I hope there's some left.

Week 10: Now is the autumn of our discontent

I think the writers are getting a bit bored of their task already - it is October after all - but they weren't helped by sterile first halves, which seemed to be compulsory around the SPL on Saturday. This was certainly the case for Celtic at Tannadice, where Gordon Strachan's side overcame a slow start to record a resounding 4-1 win over Dundee United. Most of the press puppies' eyes were on either the Champions League encounter with Benfica on Tuesday or on the official Japanese press stalkers of Shunsuke Nakamura, but when they did get round to looking at the game they were in no doubt that Celtic's performance reflected the archetypal 'game of two halves'. Mark Guidi in the Sunday Mail watched the visitors put in a "dreadful first-half performance", which contrasted with a "ruthless display after the break". The Guardian's Ewan Murray also saw a "stunning second-half comeback from the Shunsuke Nakamura-inspired champions", while Phil Gordon in the Independent thought "hunger and movement flowed through everything that Celtic did" but only "after the break". Scotland On Sunday's Tom English appreciated that "there was artistry involved" with Celtic's goals, three of which came from Nakamura, "but United were paralysed " and guilty of "some monumentally crass defending". A decent afternoon for Celtic, but a poor one for United who have now won only two games from 26 under the charge of Craig Brewster. "They certainly can’t be described as too good to go down," commented Simon Buckland in The Sunday Times, somewhat worryingly for United supporters.

Another worry for lovers of tangerine everywhere, was Motherwell's 2-1 home win over Dunfermline which sent United to the bottom of the table. Just like at Tannadice, Dave Hammond of the Sunday Herald watched "a game that started off somewhat tepidly before sparking into life after the break", where "for most of the time [Motherwell] were in control"; an observation shared by Sunday Mail's Rob Fairburn who thought the Motherwell's win was "richly deserved because the home side had dominated throughout". Rodger Baillie in the The Sunday Times played harbinger of doom for the travelling supporters - perhaps giving United some degree of hope: "Dunfermline fans must have reservations about the future as their team heads into the long slog of the winter months. If ever a scoreline gives the wrong impression of a match, it was this one."

There was a more balanced encounter at Rugby Park where John Docherty of Scotland On Sunday watched "a hard-fought contest" between Kilmarnock and Aberdeen, which the home side won 1-0. Or maybe it wasn't so evenly fought, as Neil White The Sunday Times thought Kilmarnock "outplayed Aberdeen all afternoon", and "Aberdeen threatened only when Kilmarnock’s patched-up defence offered rare opportunities." In contrast, everyone agreed that Falkirk and St. Mirren both deserved a share of the points in a 1-1 draw at The Falkirk Stadium, with Archie Macgregor in the The Sunday Times noting that "the game was as evenly matched as the predictions suggested, with the only real surprises being that both goals arrived somewhat against the balance of play."

Notably, all the goals in these two matches came in the second period as did Inverness CT's winner over Rangers at Ibrox, which sent the press swarm buzzing, ready to unleash their stings on Rangers manager Paul Le Guen. Queen bee Natasha Woods of the Sunday Herald, perhaps betraying signs of short-term memory loss, could not "remember the last time Rangers were this poor". Woods also thought Rangers' "passing as poor as the movement", with "defenders failing to win headers, while midfielders and forwards appeared to be operating on entirely different wavelengths". The Sunday Times' Richard Wilson certainly thought the performance left many questions to be answered: "Where is the leadership? Who is going to create something? Where is the freedom of expression?" Wilson also thought the home side were "hesitant in finding an end product" and rather eloquently, that "the coda to their rhythm is missing." Unfortunately there was nothing eloquent about Scotland On Sunday's Andrew Smith's comment that Rangers are "a team at odds with itself, a support at odds with itself, and an unholy mess." I can only hope he didn't mean that in the way I think he did.

Week 9: The Seventh Day (Journal)ists...

From pill-popping to "eye-popping" according to Graham Speirs in The Herald, Rangers' 1-0 win over Aberdeen at Ibrox on Sunday certainly elevated the scribes into reporting ectasy. Spiers thought the game an "intoxicating thriller"; Roddy Forsyth labelled it an "absorbing contest" in The Daily Telegraph, while the Daily Record's Keith Jackson took a deep breath, deliberated, and delivered this low-key classic: "Something quite extraordinary went on at Ibrox yesterday afternoon. Something similar to a near-death experience for Paul Le Guen and his masses." Not quite 'Heaven's Gate' but some heavy shit nonetheless.

Le Guen watched as Aberdeen nearly played FBI to his Branch Orangian, only for Philip Sebo to claim the three points and produce, according to Forsyth, an outpouring of "euphoria by the Slovak, who went into a convulsive routine with the corner flag, while whipping off his top to reveal a substantial filigree of tattoos – a performance which earned him a booking," and the obvious displeasure of Forsyth who one suspects does not have the Chinese for 'Lucky' etched on his forearm, nevermind a 'filigree' of body art. Speirs will also be peeved that he was outdone on grandiloquence this week.

Football-wise, the yelping press beagles were united in their opinion that Rangers weren't entirely convincing. Glenn Gibbons in The Scotsman watched the home side gain a "victory from a performance that was uneven and, in the main, not particularly impressive", where there was "inappropriate tentativeness about much of the Ibrox side's work". Jackson, when he had calmed down, noted that "Le Guen had watched his team run all over the top of Aberdeen for a while before running out of ideas and ultimately confidence...while some of their inter-play was a delight, there was no bite."

There wasn't a great deal of bite around at the Falkirk Stadium either, save for Aidan McGeady's matchwinner in Celtic's 1-0 victory over Falkirk. "Defeat was a cruel injustice to Falkirk but did reflect their profligacy if not their refreshing adventurism," reckoned Darryl Broadfoot in The Herald after John Hughes' side distinguished themselves against the visitors. The Scotsman's Stephen Halliday thought Celtic's performance was "lethargic", and the result "a slender and fortunate victory". More importantly, Halliday produced the weekend's tritest piece of insight: "It wasn't a performance worthy of champions, but it was the kind of performance which wins championships." No wonder people join the Moonies.

Talking of cults, or a "sect generally considered to be extremist or false, with its followers often living in an unconventional manner under the guidance of an authoritarian, charismatic leader", Hearts romped to a 4-0 win over hapless Dundee United, with The Scotsman's Stuart Bathgate reckoning "the three points were among the more comfortable Hearts will pick up this season". All hail to the chief, where do I sign up?

Week 9: Poppies will put them to sleep. Sleep. Now they'll sleep!

The only passing at the Tulloch Stadium on Saturday was the bottle of Diazepam going around the press box, as Inverness squeezed past Dunfermline in what appears to have been the worst game of the season so far. Scotland on Sunday's Martin Hannan was not impressed: "The mercy was that only 3,517 poor souls had this mince inflicted upon them, and therefore not too much damage was done to the cause of entertainment in Scottish football. Until the dying minutes, it really was very poor stuff." Even Inverness defender Ross Tokely's 90th-minute winner couldn't rouse a sedated press pack as according to the Sunday Mail's Gordon Waddell, the strike was "the ugliest winning goal in the ugliest game you will see all season". Hannan watched "90 minutes of insipid play marred by countless mistakes" while Frank Gilfeather in the Sunday Herald thought the game was "90 minutes of hardship for fans...crying out for excitement and entertainment, or even a little drama".

At least the Sunday Herald's Natasha Woods tried to inject a little piece of retro Hollywood glamour in her report of Motherwell's thumping 5-0 win over Kilmarnock at Fir Park: "The strains of “We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz” brought the proceedings to a close at Fir Park yesterday as Scott McDonald, Motherwell’s Australian striker, celebrated his second and his team’s fifth goal of a remarkable game. Kilmarnock, up against the bottom side in the SPL, were hopeless; a veritable tinman, lion and scarecrow by comparison – lacking heart, courage or the brains to avoid an afternoon of abject humiliation." Andrew Smith in Scotland on Sunday chose a showbiz reference of his own, although noting that one of Motherwell's goals was "more scrappy than Scooby's nephew" wasn't quite in the same league.

Tony Mowbray's Hibernian side could have done with a dose of Viagra at Love Street where St. Mirren ran out 1-0 winners. Scotland On Sunday's Moira Gordon watched "a Hibs side desperately in need of some penetration" while Michael Grant in the Sunday Herald thought the visitors were "attractive...but impotent". The Guardian's Patrick Glenn humourously noted that Hibs "could be a cure for anyone with a betting problem", such is their lack of consistency, and on Saturday "they exhibited football's equivalent of writer's block in the matter of creativity" - never a problem for the media hounds. In contrast, Grant thought the home side's goal "was a moment of high individualism but overall their performance was about industry, strength and organisation" but Douglas Alexander in the Sunday Times saw it more as a "moment of quality plucked out of the general mess which had proceeded it". Regardless, it was all somewhat soporific for the Sunday Mail's Mark Guidi: "Any notion of silky soccer was largely abandoned in favour of kick and rush. It could have sent you to sleep." Nighty night.