Week 5: When the hurlyburly's done, when the battle's lost and won.

Far be it for me to say that Scottish football labours under a metaphorical cloud but the degree of foreboding hanging around the clubs this week was enough to make Macbeth look like a Cameron Diaz 'rom-com'. "People have been saying that this place has been full of doom and gloom," said Falkirk manager John Hughes in the Times during the week while Maurice Malpas was adamant in the Evening Times that "contrary to popular opinion there is no doom and gloom at Motherwell." The hacks can obviously feel the onset of winter in their prematurely-aging bones as this mood of murkiness continued into the weekend where Frank Gilfeather of the Sunday Herald thought Aberdeen's 1-0 win over Dunfermline "lifted some of the gloom which has hung over Pittodrie" following their CIS Cup exit on Tuesday. Mike J. Wilson of Scotland on Sunday made no mention of 'gloom' but thought it "an unconvincing win" as did The Sunday Times' Rodger Baillie who thought the Dons showed a "dreadful lack of conviction". Dunfermline showed a lack of ambition that would have made Macbeth cringe as according to Baillie, "at one time [they] had nine players strung along their penalty box."

Unsurprisingly, Dundee United's 3-1 away win over St. Mirren was enough for Alan Gallacher in Scotland on Sunday to say that "suddenly the gloom is beginning to lift over Tannadice." Gallacher also managed to cram in the season's first, but let's hope not the last, comparison of an SPL figure to a biblical character. "It might not be of Lazarus standards yet, but Craig Brewster's slow resurrection of Dundee United continues," said Gallacher who also thought United were "well worth their victory." Stewart Fisher in the Sunday Herald thought Brewster's side put in an "an eyecatching performance" although St. Mirren "defended poorly, and missed key chances". Gallacher agreed with this description of the home side citing a "huff and puff" and "below par" showing from the Saints.

Few skies were greyer than at The Falkirk Stadium where Motherwell left with a 1-0 win. "The only toxic matter at Grangemouth yesterday was the standard of play in the first half," lamented Simon Pia in Scotland on Sunday. The Sunday Herald's Dave Hammond thought Motherwell display was "not an inspiring performance" and "had Falkirk performed better in the last third of the field, the Steelmen would have been dead and buried by the break." The Sunday Times' Archie Macgregor thought the home side delivered some "tidy and disciplined play" but have a "desperate need to acquire some additional firepower", whereas Motherwell were "far from exuberant...[but] exuded a superior know-how and tactical awareness on this occasion".

There was a brief ray of light which broke through at Parkhead as Celtic overcame an adventurous Hibernian side in a 2-1 win. There were superlatives galore for Hibs, who continue to be the critics' favourite side, especially for their first-half showing. Patrick Glenn in The Observer thought the visitors gave "Gordon Strachan's side a roasting throughout the first 45 minutes" while Moira Gordon in Scotland on Sunday reckoned " Hibs' passing game sliced [Celtic] open and left them chasing shadows". The Sunday Times' Douglas Alexander praised Hibs' "teasing skills" and "cocksure passing" wile Mark Guidi in the Sunday Mail thought Tony Mowbray's side played with "pace, precision and energy" and a "healthy swagger". You would be forgiven for forgetting who actually won the game but Alexander admitted that the introduction of new signing Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink was the key to the game's change in fortunes. "[The] muscular craft he provided in Hibs’ penalty box [gave] his side’s attacks a focus which they had previously lacked," admitted Alexander while restraining himself from making any comments about "big names" at Parkhead - sadly something not everyone could do. Nevertheless the Sunday Herald's Natasha Woods did manage to remark that the Dutchman sounds "like he should be the crown prince of some far-away country and live in a chocolate-box castle." Sadly, only in your dreams Natasha along with unicorns, chivalry and cottages full of small miners.

But the clouds did not part for long on Saturday as there seemed to be some black magic in the air at Tynecastle as Vladimir Romanov's Valdas Ivanauskas' Hearts side toiled to a 4-1 win over Inverness CT. Alan Campbell in the Sunday Herald thought Hearts "did not deserve this flattering scoreline" as "Caley had the home side pinned back for long spells of the second half". The Sunday Times' Simon Buckland agreed, believing "all Inverness were punished for yesterday was not doing the basics". Buckland is clearly not a fan of the good ship Gorgie as he thought the result was "another coat of gloss over Hearts' internal troubles. It will all peel away in the end." Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Week 4: Brigadon't even go there...

About four times every year, a magical football stadium emerges out of the thick Highland fog where journalists from the cosmopolitan, intellectually-advanced south gather and make patronising statements that a Victorian anthropologist would be proud of. Goodness knows what Neil Irvine of The Telegraph was thinking in his report of Celtic’s 1-1 draw at Inverness:

“It may still be August, but there was the ubiquitous Highland chill, with Caley's quaint home exposed to the Moray Firth. Not that the locals were deterred. Bred on heather and malt whisky, they are a hardy lot and turned up in force to outnumber the visitors' end.”

He forgot to mention the fondness for livestock but it was probably at the back of his mind. After discharging his clichés for the day, Irvine joined in the near-universal condemnation of Celtic’s performance believing that “complacency in attack and at the back” cost them all three points. Graham Speirs in the The Herald thought it “an insipid and ultimately abject afternoon” for the visitors where they showed “an inability to pick sufficiently clean holes in their opponents' defence”. The Daily Record’s Hugh Keevins was equally as unimpressed citing a “self destructive performance” where Celtic “looked to have decided long before the end that they'd done enough to win and gradually lost their grip on the game”. Chief scapegoat was Kenny Miller who once again failed to break his scoring duck for his new club. Speirs reckoned that “much more of this type of drought and Miller will be openly fretting” but Alan Pattullo in the Scotsman thought the striker had already taken on a demeanor riddled with anxiety or as he wittily put it, “the look of someone who fears they have left the gas oven on back home”. Let’s hope that there is a fairytale ending.

Week 4: And someday, I'm gonna be a real football manager!

There may not have been a Marie Antoinette but there was a marionette at Ibrox on Saturday as Rangers eased past Hearts in the game of the day. “[Valdas] Ivanauskas came into the Ibrox media room looking as happy as a puppet whose strings had been cut,” said Michael Grant of the Sunday Herald after a game where Rangers “poured over Hearts with a combination of midfield grit and attractive, sweet attacking play”. The Sunday Times' Douglas Alexander was also quick to pick up on Hearts émigré Lee Johnson’s midweek claims that Ivanauskas was a mere Pinocchio to owner Vladimir Romanov’s Gepetto, noting that the Hearts manager “may not be a puppet as was suggested last week, but you sometimes suspect ventriloquism”. Alexander thought Paul Le Guen’s side turned in a “fine performance” while Moira Gordon in Scotland on Sunday believed Rangers were “a team with more options and flair”. Patrick Glenn in The Observer thought “there was no questioning Hearts' diligence, but there was a lack of sharpness about their movement, especially from middle to front,” whereas Grant was more succinct about the visitors branding them “a major disappointment”.

If there was a hint of flair on display at Ibrox, hacks were coming up with adjectives like “gutsy”, “determined”, “resilient”, “well-drilled” and “highly physical” to describe some of the games on show around the rest of the country.

Nowhere was this more the case than at Tannadice where Dundee United and Dunfermline shared a goalless draw which inspired a torrent of feint praise from the media. Allan Gallacher in Scotland on Sunday thought it was “a largely lacklustre encounter” where United “controlled huge chunks [of the match]”, although “the visitors' bravery and spirit” could not be doubted. The Sunday Times’ Robert Thomson thought United were “industrious”, but more importantly came up with a new way of saying “dogged”, describing Dunfermline as “a group of players prepared to bite and scratch” to stay on the SPL.

Falkirk were “left to rue their profligacy” according to Iain Collin of the Sunday Herald after a 2-1 home defeat to Kilmarnock. “[John] Hughes’ side dominated for long spells and created enough chances to win more than a month’s worth of games let alone this one,” rued Collin while Scotland on Sunday’s John Docherty agreed blaming the absence of “that vital spark up front” for the inability of the home side to build on their early lead.

Aberdeen continued their inconsistent start to the season after a late equaliser gave St. Mirren a share of the points at Love Street. Dave Hammond in the Sunday Herald thought “the two sides stuttered through the first half,” with Aberdeen “clearly not playing to the sum of their parts”. Scotland on Sunday’s Martin Hannan concurred with that assessment as he thought “St. Mirren worked hard, but too many passes were amateurishly aimless - not that Aberdeen were much better.” Hannan probably summed it up best with this unequivocal summary: “It wasn't much of a game.”

Thankfully there was a glimmer of footballing hope at Easter Road. Hibernian always attract good reviews from the scribes and Tony Mowbray’s side finally managed to convert their fine outfield play into goals in a 3-1 home win over Motherwell. “Had Hibernian been more clinical, the final scoreline at Easter Road would have been humiliating for the visitors,” commented Natasha Woods in the Sunday Herald while Scotland on Sunday’s Simon Pia thought Hibs “seized the initiative, piling forward with precision passing”. But Richard Wilson in the Sunday Times took praise for the home side to a new level, finding the game a rather orgasmic experience. “When Hibernian find their rhythm, opponents are overwhelmed by the sensation,” said Wilson slowly approaching ecstasy. “Through movement and slick adventure, they cause other sides to become faint with unease.” It looks like something was growing on Wilson but, unlike Pinocchio, it probably wasn’t his nose.

Week 3: You won't fool the children of the revolution

“To have a baby and score against Rangers in the same day is incredible,” beamed Owen Morrison after his goal gave Dunfermline a deserved 1-1 draw at East End Park. Thankfully for everyone concerned it was his wife who had the baby although there were moments when even a postnatal Mrs Morrison would have troubled an awkward looking Rangers defence. Keith Jackson in the Daily Record was surprised by the "woeful and timid nature of their performance" but in a rare moment of analysis for an Old Firm opponent thought Dunfermline looked "well-drilled and determined". The Telegraph’s Ewing Grahame thought the visitors put in “a fitful display” that suffered from a “lack of imagination”, a view shared by The Guardian’s Ewan Murray who thought Rangers “offered little threat” especially in “an utterly dismal first half”. Murray also took issue with manager Paul Le Guen’s favoured formation and the lack of experience in the team: “The Rangers midfield looks lightweight and uncomfortable with their manager's rigid 4-2-3-1 system [and] there is clearly a lack in Le Guen's freshly assembled team of a leader who can provide the necessary on-field guidance at the start of a new era.” The Herald’s Darryl Broadfoot agreed that Rangers' formation produced “passive, pedestrian output from a system designed to maximize potency”, but let himself down with his opening quip of “Vive la revolution? Sacre bleu, more like,” which was so last week. However it didn't stop Jackson either who started his report with this pearl: "From Les Bleus to Les Miserables in less time than it takes a guillotine to lose its glint." Consequently, I have decided to ban all further references to 'revolution', French or otherwise, in future reports of Rangers matches, before this metaphor gestates into something even more appalling than we have seen up to now. With Sofia Coppola's "Marie Antoinette" coming out in the cinema soon, I fear the worst.

Week 3: In the jungle, the quiet jungle, the lion sleeps tonight…

The press pack were whipped into a frenzy of apathy following Celtic’s 2-0 victory over St. Mirren at Parkhead. Alan Campbell in the Sunday Herald thought it “hardly classic fare” and Scotland on Sunday’s Moira Gordon was clearly not altogether enthralled by Celtic’s attacking style, comparing it to the “the drip, drip, drip effect of Chinese water torture.” Patrick Glenn in The Observer was perhaps the most unimpressed of all by the home side’s display as “Celtic appeared alarmingly ordinary” and “frequently fell into disarray”. This rather cold buffet of football was obviously too much for the Sunday Times’ Douglas Alexander who rose above the inner city drudgery and made for the exotic plains of the Serengeti, or a night in with the National Geographic channel between shows about the Knights Templar. “Kenny Miller must have been eyeing St. Mirren yesterday as a lion regards a wildebeest drinking at a watering hole,” said Alexander taking readers to a place that they probably thought they would never visit. Alas, “there was no carcass for Miller to pick upon.” Shame, maybe next week.

The only other goals of the day in the SPL were at Fir Park where Motherwell lost 2-0 to Aberdeen. Motherwell manager Maurice Malpas thought his side deserved to win the game but the critics were not so sure. The Sunday Mail’s Gavin Berry thought Aberdeen “won easily in the end” while in Scotland on Sunday, Mike J. Wilson thought it “a fine away performance”. Richard Wilson in the Sunday Times and The Sunday Herald’s Stewart Fisher did not agree entirely, with the latter seeing “imperfections” in Aberdeen’s play while according to Wilson “the move that led to Aberdeen’s breakthrough was a terse encapsulation of their entire performance: a brief display of self-assurance, a piece of wayward intent, then a shiver of urgency.”

Hibernian extended their miserable away record – no wins since November last year - with a 0-0 draw against Inverness CT and Rodger Baillie in The Sunday Times mocked that “on this form, it could be next November before they collect another three points on the road.” Scotland on Sunday's Ross McTavish thought Hibernian “enjoyed large spells of possession against their Highland opponents, but struggled to break through Charlie Christie's well organised team,” – a common problem for Hibs this season. Interestingly, for the second time in as many weeks, Hibernian manager Tony Mowbray thought his players were subdued by unfair means as “it was as if we were against a fouling machine at times out there.”

The Sunday Times’ Simon Buckland watched “a jaded goalless draw” at Tynecastle where neither Hearts nor Falkirk shone with particular intensity. According to Buckland, Hearts delivered a “worryingly ordinary display” while the Sunday Herald’s Michael Grant noted that the home side lacked their usual “substance” in a “fraught, spiky encounter”. Scotland on Sunday’s Martin Hannan left with the impression that “on this performance Hearts will struggle to match their feats of last season and the SPL title [will] be a pipe dream”. It’s not often that a team goes top of the league and is then booed from the field but then Hearts are not an ordinary side. But for Gordon Waddell in the Sunday Mail if Falkirk “had a cutting edge to match their slick play in the middle of the park they'd maybe have been sitting top of the table”.

Scotland on Sunday’s Neil Murray thought Dundee United’s 0-0 draw with Kilmarnock at Rugby Park was a “great point for the hard-working Taysiders” who “played ugly” according to Archie MacGregor in The Sunday Times. MacGregor thought it “a woefully sterile affair” while Richard Moore in the Sunday Herald was more forthright in his assessment, in between metaphorical gulps of Valium: “This was a miserable match, the kind usually associated with cold, grey days in the middle of winter.” Only three games in and Moore already needs a holiday – a safari perhaps.

Week 2: Time for bed Bhoys!

Whenever Stuart Dougal referees a game there is always the possibility of a 'Magic Roundabout' reference and Nick Harris of The Independent didn’t disappoint following Hearts’ 2-1 victory over Celtic at Tynecastle. Harris thought the Hearts manager Valdas Ivanauskas “bounced like Zebedee” following Roman Bednar’s late winner, and “punched the air like Tyson” although I’m not sure ‘Mad Mike’ was ever in the show. Unfortunately for Celtic, they played with the energy of Brian the snail as no one seemed in much doubt that Hearts deserved their win, although Darryl Broadfoot in The Herald was suitably disturbed by the quality on display to describe it as “a mongrel of a match” and “[an] eyesore of a game”. Harris saw enough of something to praise the home side’s “up-and-at-'em attitude” which The Guardian’s Ewan Murray also thought was “explosive.” Murray was less complimentary about Gordon Strachan’s side who “looked lethargic and a different team from the one who outplayed Kilmarnock last weekend.” The Telegraph’s Ewing Grahame thought Celtic’s “performance rarely rose above the ordinary” unlike Bednar and midfielder Bruno Aguiar who Broadfoot thought “soared imperiously above the general anti-football”. Of more interest to the journalists was the altercation between benches in the first half, variously described as a “fracas”, “confrontation”, “heated argument” or “row” but best of all, by Broadfoot, as a “phlegm-coated conversation”. The press corps seems to have a lid on their prickly relationship with Strachan at present although it was left to Harris to note that following the game the Celtic manager was in a “testy mood”. After all of the recent travelling, maybe he just needs a good night's sleep.

Week 2: I just called to say I love Brew

Two games into the season and the writers are already sharpening their guillotine blades after Rangers 2-2 draw with Dundee United at Ibrox. “Rangers revolution? There was something in the air yesterday at Ibrox but it smelled like revolt,” screamed Phil Gordon in The Independent, wistfully recalling, and not for the first time, those halcyon days of 1789. The Sunday Times’ Douglas Alexander blamed “a mixture of poor defending and slipshod finishing” for Rangers inability to beat the much-maligned United while Neil Irvine in the Sunday Telegraph agreed, covering all bases in citing “sloppy defending, the careless finishing and the slack passing” as the reason for the dropped points. Scotland on Sunday’s Moira Gordon felt that when Rangers are “[going] forward there is always a sense of optimism, but when the opposition find a way past the midfield, disaster looms”. And when names need to be named, and fingers need to be pointed there is only really one man for the job, especially where Old Firm centre-backs are concerned. Rangers’ Karl Svensson had a “shocker” according to Mark Guidi in the Sunday Mail, and the 22-year-old Swede “looks a long way from the defender that arrived at Ibrox with a glowing reputation.” Inevitably “serious questions are being asked”, although for the time being only by Guidi. Comment about Dundee United’s play was sparse although Irvine thought they “reveled in their role as underdog, snarling and biting” while Michael Grant in the Sunday Herald thought it an “inspired, uncharacteristic performance”. Grant also provided the best summary of the game believing United benefited significantly from the “fortuitous combination of Rangers squandering one chance after another and then being defensively weak on the rare occasions when they were put under pressure.”

Reports of Kilmarnock’s 2-1 home win over Hibernian were dominated by praise for Steven Naismith’s second-half winner. Scott Mcdermmott of the Sunday Mail and Stewart Fisher in the Sunday Herald both compared it to Ryan Giggs’ ‘ubergoal’ for Manchester United in their 1999 FA Cup semi-final with Arsenal. Martin Hannan in Scotland on Sunday thought it an “Archie Gemmill-type dribble” but The Sunday Times’ Richard Wilson summed it up best as “a joyously uninhibited contribution”. Wilson also thought Kilmarnock were “dogged in their application” while Hibernian in the first half were “so smoothly dominant that they could have been three or four goals ahead”. Like last week, Tony Mowbray’s side were rather profligate as they “again showed a lack of composure up front” according to Hannan.

St. Mirren raised their championship flag before their 2-0 win over Motherwell at Love Street but thankfully there were no Poles on the pitch for the scribes to feed into their portable pun machines. Andrew Smith of Scotland on Sunday humorously noted that the flag pole was “about the height of Peter Crouch” but that did nothing to dampen his enthusiasm for “the top flight's incredibles.” The reviews for Motherwell were rather less generous. The Sunday Times' Rodger Baillie thought the visitors were “pathetic” and “featureless” while Alan Campbell of Scotland on Sunday would probably have preferred to have been somewhere else with the words “drizzle”, “tedium” and “dull” prominent in his report.

Falkirk continued their solid start to the season with a 1-0 home win over Dunfermline. Richard Moore of the Sunday Herald thought Falkirk “played decent football, marked by fluid and accurate passing” prompted by an “inspired show” from 38-year-old Russell Latapy. Scotland on Sunday’s Ewan Smith was even more effusive in his praise for the Trinidadian midfielder as he continues to deliver “a series of midfield master classes.”

Gavin Berry in the Sunday Mail watched as “Dons players left the pitch with the jeers of the fans ringing in their ears” after Aberdeen conceded a late equaliser to Inverness CT at Pittodrie through a Jamie Langfield error. For the Sunday Herald’s Frank Gilfeather “moments of excitement…were spasmodic and there was little for the crowd to get excited about” while Alasdair Fraser in Scotland On Sunday remarked on Aberdeen’s “strange fragility and lack of composure”. Maybe Stewart Milne needs to make a call.